Are you out of your tree?

Thin metal rods are poking out of a giant tree, spiralling up and up (and up) towards a wooden platform, seventy-five metres in the Western Australia sky. These karri trees are among the tallest hardwoods in the world, and this particular tree, the tallest in the forest, was used as a fire lookout for any trouble smoking in the area.   It seems like an innocent enough roadside attraction, just fifteen minutes drive from the gas and beef pie pit stop of Pemberton. How often we find Bucket List experiences in the most unlikely places. ​

I drive into Warren National Park out of curiosity, captivated by a sign directing visitors to the Dave Evans Bicentennial Tree.   Playing on my iPod is U2, a sign of perfect synchronicity.   Dave Evans is the real name of guitarist The Edge, and his namesake tree, a pure coincidence, seems destined to deliver the same. ​

At the top of this lookout tree sits a large platform weighing two tons.   To get there I must climb 130 erratically staggered thin black rods, thrusting myself up between ever widening gaps.   From the bottom it looks harmless enough, mostly because one can’t see the top.  I start eagerly, one pole at a time, a little unnerved by the thin wire safety net. Good for a falling baseball cap, not the person attached to it.   Looking down for the first time, my knees become as wonky as a Central African government. ​

The tree is shaping up to be one of the beautifully dangerous things I love about Australia, where the world's most poisonous snakes and spiders might live in your pillow.  Earlier that week I had I read an actual news headline: “Man Breaks Leg Kicking Spider.”  The dry rolling countryside is rife with lethal critters, while long, sandy beaches expose one to sunrays that can bake a cream pie.    Still, this is gorgeous country, with a big sky, small population, and striking eucalyptus forests leading up to the country’s premier wine region, Margaret River.  When I hit the twenty-five-metre mark, it becomes obvious that whoever built this tree path must have had one too many glasses of Shiraz. ​

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​Air New Zealand is currently having a sweet seat sale from Vancouver to seven Australian gateways. 

Return from Vancouver​

• $1,375 per person (Sydney, Gold Coast, Melbourne, Cairns, Adelaide, Sunshine Coast & Brisbane)
• $1,852 per person (Perth)

​Sale ends: March 15, 2016
Travel period: April 9 - June 5, 2016 & August 7 - September 19, 2016

I clutch the thin poles so tight my arm muscles cramp, my toes clenched so hard you could crack a bullet between them.    Higher and higher, and just when I am sure I might absolutely wet myself with fear, I reach a small wooden platform.  A truly unhelpful sign reads: "That was the easy bit, mate!"   Aussie Aussie Aussie, oy, oy oy…vey. 

A sturdy tanned Australian fellow crawls down from above.    "C'mon mate, once you're this far, you may as well go all the way to the top," he says, in that typical Australian drawl which makes any stranger seem like an army buddy.     It encourages me to continue my climb, cursing ever-present Australian sticky flies, relentlessly crawling into my nostrils and ears.  I reach another rest platform, and another, and then another, until at last, I am on top of the tree, dripping in sweat, staring above the dense forest in all directions.  The sea casts a blue glow on the horizon.   My knees are still swaying, but that might have something to do with the tree itself, dancing to a gentle ballad in the wind.   In strong wind, the trunk can sway almost two metres in either direction. ​

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Cautiously, I make my way down, wondering why they don't sell T-Shirts at the bottom. Perhaps:  U2 can survive the Dave Evans Bicentennial Tree.  I wonder how many people have slipped, and if the safety net did its job. I wonder who Dave Evans is, and whether he might be the unfortunate chap who can answer both questions.  Assuming the latter was affirmative. ​

The climb takes about an hour, and trust me, it is far scarier than any tree you ever tackled in your childhood.  There isn’t even an official around to call an ambulance should you drop out the sky. Although if there is, he might tell you: “it’s just a tree, mate!  We have spiders bigger than this.”